LOTTA:
Hammond! Dr. Splicer! Iím getting a transmission from that rogue planetoid! (DUM-DUM-DUM!) They want us to land.

HAMMOND:
Tell them to get stuffed, Lotta. Iíll give ëem a mouth full of destructo-ray.

DOC:
Now Hammond. The Mutton Chop has no destructo-ray.

HAMMOND:
Oh. Heat ray?

DOC:
No.

HAMMOND:
Freeze ray?

DOC:
No.

HAMMOND:
Sour lemon ray?

DOC:
No.

HAMMOND:
Exploding pants gun?

DOC:
(pause) No.

HAMMOND:
I donít care if I have to fight them bare-knuckled. I'm not landing this ship!

LOTTA:
Hammond! You never take me anywhere! Land this ship right now!

HAMMOND:
(chastened) Yes, Lotta.

2. BíGAWK SKYLINE
Side view of MUTTON CHOP cruising through the city, exiting off screen right. Sound of impact, car horns, shouting, Hey! Watch it!! etc.

HAMMOND:
Hey! We're from out of town!

3. SCHWINGíS THRONE ROOM
Trio enters from left. EMPEROR SCHWING sits upon his throne, flanked by guards in chicken-inspired armor.

SCHWING:
Greetings. I am Emperor Schwing. Master of the Universe and Pan-Galactic Fast Food Overlord.

HAMMOND:
I am Hammond Rye of Planet Earth, and these are my friends, Lotta Gams and Dr. Gene Splicer.

DOC:
Howdy-doo.

LOTTA:
Charmed, Mr. Schwing.

SCHWING:
Silence! You say you are from Earth? (buries his nose in The Big Book of Galactic Poultry) Earth- a planet long assumed to be legendary, where chickens are grown from the larval stage instead of mined. (looks at HR & Co. through squinty eyes) This is more than I could have hoped. Please try one of my hot wings. (waves an automatic hover-dish piled with hot wings over to them)

HAMMOND:
No thanks, mac. I prefer burgers.

DOC:
Hammond! Don't be rude!

HAMMOND:
No, I refuse!

LOTTA:
Aww, eat a hot wing for cryin' out loud!

HAMMOND:
Oh, all right.

HR & Co. simultaneously chomp down a handful of hot wings. HAMMOND does a brief 'spicy food' shtick, and all three pass out.

4. JAIL CELL
HAMMOND hoists into a sitting position facing left. DOC wakes up facing forward.

DOC:
Oh my!

HAMMOND:
What was in those hot wings??

DOC:
Probably a combination of faringlobular psycho-neuro-toxin and - (HAMMOND's arm flies up, sending the DOC to splat on the wall behind him, where he remains for the rest of the scene)

LOTTA:
(rising) Gasp!

HAMMOND:
You okay, Lotta?

LOTTA:
Hammond! Where are we?

HAMMOND:
Looks like some crudely-drawn jail cell under Schwing's palace on the planet B'Gawk.

LOTTA:
Those hot wings were good.

HAMMOND:
Good. But deadly.

SCHWING:
Why thank you, Earthman. I pride myself on the wickedness of my poultry. Now we will discuss your future here on planet B'Gawk. Specifically, Doctor Splicer will begin work in my secret laboratory and fast food test kitchen.

LOTTA:
What is to happen to us?

SCHWING:
I'm glad you asked that, Miss Gams. Your burly friend will go to work in the chicken mines on planet Mesquite.

HAMMOND:
What about Lotta?

SCHWING:
Slowly, savoring the moment.
Oh, yes. I have something special in mind for her.

The music grows ominous. Cut to the worried looks of Hammond, Lotta & the Doc as Schwing speaks.

She will join my personal marketing department! (DUM-DUM-DUM!)

LOTTA:
Noooooo!

She faints into Hammond's arms.

HAMMOND:
You inhuman monster!

SCHWING:
Shyly
Oh stop. You're just saying that.

TITLE:
ARE OUR HEROES DOOMED TO A LIFE
OF SERVITUDE IN SCHWINGíS
GALACTIC FAST FOOD
EMPIRE?

WATCH FOR THE NEXT THRILLING EPISODE OF
HAMMOND RYE - SPACE HERO!